This last week has been unexpected for me. I’ve written more in the last seven days that I have for probably the last few years. I’ve published them on a blog, and rehashed them on various social media sites. I’ve got a Facebook page for my writing now. I thought I was laying the groundwork for a big week of readers. In my head, I automatically assumed that because I put it up, it will get read by a lot of people. Naturally, I didn’t get hundreds of hits and an overwhelming heap of comments. But I got great feedback on my writing, and I felt good after starting to write about the struggles I’ve had in my life.
So why can’t I be happy with that?
Why can’t I just be happy with the fact that I’m putting my work out there and I’m starting to work myself out of this funk I’ve been in for so long? Truth is, I have no idea. I put pressure on myself when I’m not being creative and that leads to a whole downfall into the rabbit hole of Not Good Enough. I put pressure on myself when I am being creative and that leads to Not Good Enough. Why do I have it in my head that no matter what I do, it’s never going to be good enough. I can feel good, and be happy about what I’ve written/painted/photographed/said but that lasts for a few moments/hours/days then I’m back to the dreaded Not Good Enough. Why that is my default is something I’m still trying to figure out. Whether it’s an age thing, a state of mind, or a consequence of what I’ve experienced in my life I’ll probably never figure it out. I have that problem too. That I have to figure everything out to that last minute detail. Those details can be important, they can help give you a breakthrough or drive you down a new path, but honestly, would knowing every detail really help me? Would it give me some kind of closure and that amazing ability to fully release and let go of my crap? Nope!
I think I like trying to analyze and figure it out to minute details because it forces me to stay in those situations. In that state of mind that I’m comfortable with. I don’t push myself into situations where I know I can grow because I’m scared. Because if I let go of this state of mind then I feel like I lose who I am. I lose my identity.
I lose me.
This is far from the truth though. I know it is. But that irrational scared part of my brain likes to latch on to these not so great ways of being. I think it’s because it’s allowed me to survive. I have these things imbedded so far in my DNA, that it’s almost a comforting thing. That I could lose everything else, but those would be remain.
The complete truth is that I am not those thoughts or those situations. I am allowing myself to believe I am, because I am used to it. I put that pressure on myself because I know that it feeds into those stupid things I cling onto. It’s a cycle that I have built and maintained. What I’m really doing is putting pressure on past wounds, to keep my present and future in line with that past pain.
I put pressure on it to not ease the pain, but to create more.
I keep the Not Good Enough on ready alert all the time. I know that it’s so easy for me to slip into that, then to actually think I’m good at something. I did good today. I put pressure on it to keep the bad stuff in. Like when you’re told to keep pressure on a cut, to help the wound heal it’s self. I’m doing that, but not for good reasons. I’m doing it to keep myself in the dark.
Maybe it’s time to take the pressure off.