adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire: enough water; noise enough to wake the dead.
an adequate quantity or number; sufficiency.
in a quantity or degree that answers a purpose or satisfies a need or desire; sufficiently.
fully or quite: ready enough.
(used to express impatience or exasperation): Enough! I heard you the first time.
I have it in my head that I will never be enough. That who I am is not enough. That what I give is not enough. That what I give is never enough. I never do or say enough. That I will never ever EVER love enough. That never was, is, or will be GOOD enough. There is a war in my mind raging on both sides of this. That yes you are enough and you are GOOD enough. That no you are not enough, you are BAD. I sometimes feel like each side is almost a different brain that both fight for dominance over my head. That this is a bitter war that will never end, that each battle will just suck more and more out of me. I can feel it going on while I write this. That the not side is telling me to not even bother writing because I don’t deserve to be heard, because I am just a worthless, broken pile pretending to be a functioning human. Then there is the other side that is telling me to write it because I need to write for myself. That I need to make this tangible. That I deserve to be heard because I have a voice. I showed up, and I will always be worth something because I exist. Purely because I was born and I live each day. I breathe the air and I am here.
There was a little bit from The King’s Speech that I always remember when I’m having days like this. Where I am struggling with these opposing sides. Where King George VI is talking to Lionel Logue, his speech therapist about how England will stuck with a voiceless King during a War in which everything is at stake, and they need the strength and voice of a King. King George VI is visibly irritated with how he feels betrayed and disappointed with how Lionel Logue has presented himself and how he is blaming Lionel for “saddling England with a voiceless king.” Lionel pushes King George to remember that he is so much more capable than he believes he is. King George is struggling with believing in himself, he allows himself to fall into those dark thoughts that so many of us struggle with. That I am struggling with today.
“Listen to you? By what right?”
“By divine right if you must.”
“Divine right? You told me yourself you don’t want it. Why should I waste my time listening to you?”
“Because I have a right to be heard. BECAUSE I HAVE A VOICE!”
“Yes, you do.”
If only we all could have that moment with someone, to have someone push us to remember that we do indeed have a voice and that we deserve to be heard. Many times we will seek that reassurance from people, to have others validate that for us. I know I do this, and it is a tricky thing, because while we do possibly require some of that from others, the important one is for us to validate it ourselves. We need to tell ourselves that we deserve to be heard. That we have a voice. I’m working on this part myself. It’s easy for me to say I am trying to do it. There’s more to it than trying, you have to do it. Even when you feel like you can’t, and you don’t want to. This is a moment where I have to kick myself in the butt and say, “You do it because you have to. Because what I have to say is important.”
I have a voice that deserves to be heard. Not because I’m original or because I’m always interesting, but because I exist. We are born and we live. That is enough to deserve to be heard.
Here’s my manta for those moments, and I will take it directly from that scene. “BECAUSE I HAVE A VOICE!”