Ramble Ramble

There’s this thing I like to do when I get into one of my moods. (and this is so easy for me to do, and I have done it more than I should have lately.) I watch Neil deGrasse Tyson talk about the Universe. Or I read Carl Sagan, even though most of what he writes goes right over my head, but what they give is both the same. For me, it’s kind of a sit down and look around you, see what is bothering you. Give it a good solid stare, and try to remember why it is bothering you.

It’s easier for me to snap myself out of it then. If I have a bigger perspective than just my own head. Which is a problem for me since I’m there about 99.9% of the time. I live up there in all of those what if’s, could be’s, never gonna happen’s and might not’s, but I rarely see the what would happen if I did something different. I see the bad, I see the negative and I see the darkness because that’s all I let myself see. I got so used to it that the light feels suffocated and blinding at best, at worst it feels like I could lose what little grip I have on myself at the moment. But the truth of all that is, what I’m clinging onto so tightly, that darkness, isn’t me. I’m terrified to have even a moment where I don’t have anything to define myself as. Because that bad stuff is readily available, it’s comfortable. It’s not easy to stay stuck, but it’s scary as hell to take a step out of it. So I stay with those stupid labels I’ve collected over the years, I stay stuck in my muck, my quicksand, whatever you want to call it because I know it. Because it’s what helped me survive before, and I almost feel like I would be abandoning it if I leave it behind. Which is exactly what I need to do.

 

I keep myself distracted. I constantly have screens on or music blaring in my headphones. Rarely do I give my brain a break from a constant intake of stimulation. I think that’s why I have a hard time sleeping, or at least part of it, because that’s when the floodgates open. Those nagging thoughts and those ideas of what could happen, why this doesn’t happen kick in. I have had nights where I slip into those thoughts and before I know it morning has come and the sounds of the birds chirping outside my window snap me out of them. I realize I have given another night and more time to those thoughts. It’s never something that changes in a moment, it is such a process to change your mindset to accept that something else might fit you better. And this is definitely a situation in which I know I can’t do it completely alone, to a degree yeah I have to, because it’s my head and I live there, but you can’t make such huge shifts in your life without some kind of support system. That would be like walking a tightrope with no safety net underneath. Yeah, you can do it, and I’m sure some people are professionals at it, but for most of us, not such a great idea. This is just my way of getting back into my groove. Getting words flowing and getting some kind of a feel of what I really need to do. Because god knows it looks like climbing Mt. Everest alone right now, and it’s fricking terrifying. It’s time, now more than ever, to shed that old skin and find something new that fits. And yeah, maybe I’ll have to wander around like the Emperor in new clothes, (figuratively) naked for a while. That’s scary. But anything worth having in life will be hard work, and that will make it so much better when you finally have it.

Digging To Find Myself.

The Manifest-Station

Digging To Find Myself. By Rachel Bolin.

Between my finger and my thumb

The squat pen rests; snug as a gun. ~Seamus Heaney

I have never really been very into poetry. I have phases where I have found solace in the words of poets. Robert Frost when I was at the ripe old age of 13, and I had a fleeting love affair in my teenage years of angst with Charles Bukowski. But I never understood it. I could relate to some of the passages and with bits and pieces of them, but as a whole it was completely outside my realm of comprehension. Then I discovered this man from the green hills of Northern Ireland. Where, even to this day, I would swear part of my heart lies, even though I have never stepped foot onto its soil.

I have always, and I mean always, been obsessed with the…

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