Less than 12 hours before I leave for the airport, and i’m still not packed, not prepared. Booked my hotel for a couple of days TODAY at 2 am, bought my tickets last week, and i’m flying by the seat of my pants (err.. leggings are pants right? ;P) Before I would have been totally prepared like a month ago, and on my third go of packing/unpacking/repacking.
Instead, I’m sitting on FB and playing candy crush, but it will be ok. It will work out, and I’m only going to have mild anxiety about it. I’m scared for this trip, and I’ve been running around like a headless chicken the last week. All those stupid thoughts running through my brain.
Why do you deserve to go? You’re just gonna take up space that someone else can use. Waste of space. Waste of space. Waste of fucking space.
No one’s gonna like you. You don’t like you most of the time, how can anyone else like you? You’re going to clam up and not say anything of value. You’re just a fraud that no one likes.
Like, seriously, WHY?
Stupid. Fucking. Brain. All the time. Never stops chattering. Never stops name calling, and being so rude. If I said half the things I say to myself to someone else, I would be smacked. Hard. So… why is it ok for me to say them to myself?
It’s not. I know that, but I do it anyway. I have a good life, filled with utterly amazing people, and better friends than I could ever have dreamed of. I get to do such cool things, and see awesome places, and do amazing things. So going into this week in Portland, I’m not going to pack that stuff. I can leave those thoughts, and those negative words and feelings back in my container in MN. They don’t have a ticket to go, I do.
Like my awesome friend Kaija says, “Fuck Fear, and do the thing.”
Fuck fear, and do the fucking thing.